It's Not Therapy!

Shocking I know!   Food and shopping fix NOTHING.   If anything, they prove to be good ways to set yourself back in your goals but they never propel you forward.   A cheeseburger has no more magical feel better qualities than a piece of chicken and the 75th pair of shoes in your closet will not erase a shitty day.  Trust me on this one.  I have tried them both.  Over and over.  And they do not work.  However, they have brought things I do want to a standstill.

It kind of goes like this - I'm in the third state in three years and this one sucks the most.  Not that SC isn't a close second but the cost of living and distance from the people/places that I care about shoves this one to the front of the line.  I'm a northeast girl and have no nomadic dreams.  I don't need to be wandering around the country - I'd be perfectly content in the same place for decades.  As long as that place was somewhere along the 95 corridor between DC and Boston with a few exceptions.

But back to food, shopping and goals.  My goals are pretty simple.   I looked/felt better at 30 than 20 and plan on being better at 40 than 30.   I want to be able to retire at 50.   (That used to be 40 but thanks to the stock/housing/job market over the last decade 22 months just isn't practical.)  So what can I do about this?  It's not that complicated.  But it starts with food and shopping not being used as therapy.


Goal 1 - Looking better at 40 than 30

Good-bye cheeseburger, hello chicken.  Pretty self explanatory there.   It just has to happen.  My diet has tightened up the last two weeks and in some ways it is actually a relief to not worry about food anymore.  Eat the right meal at the right time and move on.  My workouts stepped up after a 3.5 month period of laziness and inconsistency when I started CrossFit and I am now hitting the gym hard again as well.  Mentally I am not all the way back in the game yet but I'm almost there.  Some days it is just harder than others to haul my ass to the gym in the first place.  Once I get a few sets into my workout I get into what I'm doing and kill it.

Leaning out (which the diet change is already causing) will help me look forward to the workouts more as I can see the mass I have put on over the last two years.  There is a lot there, I just haven't seen it yet.

Goal 2 - Ability to retire at 50

This goal is a little more complicated.  There are a lot more things out of my control - the stock/housing/job markets combined this whole moving over and over again nightmare.   I need to focus on the one thing I can control - where my cash goes.  This can tie in to Goal 1 as chicken at home is always cheaper than what I will eat out.   That is simple enough.

But then I see beautiful things like these YSL sandals:

I want them.  BAD.  Like bad enough to pay for shipping twice because the hippie commune state I live in won't allow real python to be shipped here.  The are fabulous and would look amazing on my feet.

Can I buy them?  Sure.  Will it do anything to help me retire in 11.75 years?  Hell no.  I need to drop that $800 into my destroyed forever home fund (thanks housing market!) not on hot ass sandals.  I sadly must leave them at Bergdorf and wear the sandals I just don't love anymore.  Yea, they are hot and all but they are NOT python which would look bad ass against my bronze tan.  But they also are here, paid for and I need to worry more about my forever home than strutting in my newest acquisition.  No more retail therapy.

I'm not gonna lie - this one is going to be a lot more difficult to adapt to than what I have to do to achieve Goal 1.   Changes in my body are quick and the visible rewards are there.   Like new stuff.   My forever home seems impossibly out of reach with no instant gratification at all.  I'm still thinking of some short term rewards for sticking with this goal - other than cheeseburgers or shoes.  Not only aren't they therapy, they aren't rewards.  Sucks doesn't it?

From One Cult to Another

The very small universe known as bodybuilders (the bodybuilder / fitness / figure / bikini / WPD / MPD types are all rolled into one for this purpose, deal with it) seem to have a lot of time to spend hating on another small universe known as CrossFit.  Maybe it is the hours most of them spend on the treadmill or the lack of social lives they have because they are too hungry and tired to do anything but troll the internet looking for shit to start.  Obviously this doesn't refer to everyone in the physique world, but the ones it does know who they are.

I find this to be anywhere between comical and pathetic depending on the day considering both disciplines are referred to by so many people outside of them as cults.  So let's compare:

Diet

Bodybuilders eat a pretty strict diet as do the dedicated CrossFitters.  What's even more comical is how close those diets are.   CrossFit is often associated with the Paleo diet - lean protein, vegetables, a little fat, a little fruit when not cutting weight.  Hmm.... where have I seen this before?  A standard prep diet perhaps?  Over and over and over.   Next is the Zone Diet also linked with CrossFit - prescribed portions of protein, carbohydrates and fat eaten five times a day.  Ok, so most bodybuilders eat 6-8 times a day but really, how different is it?  Next.

Coaches

Talk about the collision of two cults.  There are some really fucked up contest prep "gurus" out there - butt cream, corsets, three hours of cardio, 800 calorie diets and they see no problem when you are freezing your ass off in 100 degree heat with your hair falling out.  And if the next prep takes 4 hours of cardio and 600 calories?  Oh well, that is what you gotta do.  Metabolic damage anyone?  Now CF has its share of fucked up coaches too - anyone with access to YouTube can back that.   Yep, there are CF coaches out there that shouldn't be allowed to design there own workouts never mind lead a group of people that may or may not be in shape.  CF done wrong is dangerous and dumb people doing dumb things with dumb coaches are getting hurt.   Summary?  Both activities have shitty coaches and dumb ass participants.  Next.

The General Public

BB's and CF's looks funny.  The mainstream - the average soccer mom, yoga goer, weekend softball player, armchair quarterback, fat ass with a million excuses - they all think both groups have way too much muscle - you know, muscle you can see.  Eat food that wasn't obtained via a drive thru, cooked in a microwave or packaged up at a factory and you are crazy, a health nut, a cultist.  Sure, back in the 1970's there was some popular media that covered major bodybuilders alike Arnold and others of his era.  Now The CrossFit Games get some air time but I don't expect that to last forever.  Something else will come along and take its place.  Let's get real, ESPN considers poker to be a sport.  Non-mainstream athletes won't be there long.  You know, like music on MTV.  Can someone explain the difference again?

Society Overall

Different disciplines, different goals.  And in many ways, understandable to only those that participate.  The average person doesn't grasp the concept of standing on stage in 4 inches of fabric to be judged solely on how you look.  Isn't the whole think a lot like Toddlers & Tiaras for adults?  A whole day dedicated to triceps?  Delts?  Calves?  Really?  The average person also doesn't grasp olympic lifting, sprinting and powerlifting by themselves, let alone muddled up in a big mess called a WOD.  Golf they get.  Tennis they get.  A bunch of people of all shapes and sizes running backwards down the road cheering each other on they don't get.   Different work outs, different confusion for the average person.  End result?  Neither group will be accepted by society at large any time soon.

What makes me different from the shit talkers I refer to in the beginning?  I've done both so I know of what I speak.  I was never an elite figure competitor and I am not an awesome CrossFitter.  Neither define me as a person as they do for some many participants.  I have other friends that have done both - concurrently, one first than the other, switching back and forth - but the one thing I note of those that have done both?  None of them talk shit like the ones that haven't tried the other side.

What is that saying?  Something like until you have walked a mile in my shoes shut the fuck up?

Get A Grip Girl!

Life has sucked for awhile now - 92 days to be exact since the boys were loaded up and we started our journey west.  This has taken its toll on my mentally well being.  I'm even more bitchy than usual and yes, this is possible.   The cliff notes goes like this in no particular order:

1 - I do not like my job.  I quite probably do not like my entire line of work but that is a whole different problem.  All I know is I now have a mind numbing existence that depending on the day makes me hostile and/or depressed.  Bad shit.  Me at work:



2 - I live in a 3,000 square foot shit hole.  This has several problems - one it is too fucking big, like 2,000 square feet too fucking big.  The next problem is that it is a shit hole.  I have gone from having the best yard in the community to the worst.  The carpets look like the previous tenant was a serial killer.  The mechanical systems are just functional enough to pass code.  My high maintenance anal retentive clean freak self CANNOT handle this - 15 more months here have the potential to cause a complete mental break.

3 - The ocean is on the wrong fucking side.  Need I say more?




None of these problems are exactly easy to fix.  Now if I was a risk taker (which I'm not) I would load the dogs back up, drive back across the country and beg my grandparents to let me clean for food while I look for a job hoping there isn't too much of this happening



My best case right now is really to get to this on all the above issues





All of that said, it is causing mass havoc on the things that matter to me - like my training and physique.   While my training is ALMOST back on track, I need to be honest with myself and realize that my diet has been pretty fucked lately.  Not obvious like binging on a daily basis but sneaky like my hand going in the pretzel tub / M&M jar every time I walk by them at work.  And since they are at the only exit to the bathroom and I drink a pot of coffee plus almost a gallon of water at work................

The only thing left to do is




Easier said then done of course.  Most days I leave work like this



When I need to leave work like this




And no, this blog will not contain a solution - just a long commentary on the problems as it is very easy to say control what you can like your diet and your training but the reality is when life's spinning out of control sometimes even that is too much to ask.

Time to re-priortize and figure this out.

From This Day Forward........

Not a SINGLE fuck will be given.



Well, from yesterday forward to be exact.

I've come to the realization that despite making some really big decisions based on bullshit that was told to me, I let it take over way too much of my life. Ok, in my defense, my whole life was impacted and not in a positive way. But I'm over that now. Why?

It all started with what I was told was "crazy talk". Thursday night I was prepared to cancel my Disney trip in two weeks - I was THAT stressed out. So stressed I could not even imagine going to The Happiest Place on Earth. Are you kidding? I was going to miss breakfast with Eeyore?

Then I was trying to cheer up a friend that got some bad news after surgery - like needs to consider never lifting again kind of news. I was there this time 3 years ago and remember how much that sucks. And the life altering implications of such a decision. But hey, I healed and am stronger than I was before right? Yet I don't lift nearly as often as I should. Why is that?

Oh yea, stress. From giving a fuck.

Thursday was day 5 of less than two hours of non-consecutive sleep, throw in a couple push me over the edge moments Friday where I really thought I would give into the urge to punch someone in the face with a chair, I had to get a grip. Or at least stop giving a fuck. So I did.

The new me:

Are you honest with your trainer?

After I posted yesterday’s blog to my Facebook wall, I get this message:

“I hope you aren’t Facebook friends with your trainer, she will know you aren’t following her plan.”

My response:

“I don’t have to worry about her missing it in her newsfeed, I emailed her the link”

This got me to thinking – how many people are NOT honest with their trainers? To be, that is just pointless. Why are you paying someone to help you reach your goals if you are going to lie? How does that benefit you? I eat off plan, I tell her. I miss workouts, I tell her. There is no way for her to be able to help me if I am not completely honest with her. A good client/trainer relationship is based on open, honest communication without that, you have nothing.

So do YOU lie to your trainer?

Trying to figure things out...

I am a little fat now. Do not argue with me on this. At 5 feet 1 inch tall and 142 pounds I am fat, D cup and extra muscle do not count for that much so get over it. You can’t see any of that muscle anyway, all the definition is long gone. Toss in the fact my knees, ankles and other broken parts feel better when I am lighter and that alone should be motivation to drop 10 pounds. In some ways it is, I want to drop 10 pounds, I really do – easy enough to say but my follow through really sucks these days. (and let’s not even talk about next competition season, I got to deal with this 10 pounds first)

It seems the only area in my life that I am NOT anal and OCD about record keeping, tracking and structure is diet and exercise. I have spreadsheets, data bases, logs and indexes of pretty much everything. My house is insanely organized and if you look at my desk at work you would think it is a vacant seat. I am that orderly.
I also have a dozen notebooks and logs with anywhere from 4-12 workouts logged then nothing. I have always wandered into the gym, worked what I felt like working and left. I never really track anything. I have a cheap little calendar that has notes like “60 treadmill, shoulders” and that was enough. I can’t stick with logging workouts.

Yesterday my trainer asked me about the concept of diet rebellion and how I previously reacted to structured dieting (ie when I was getting ready for my shows last year). Looking back, I have always sucked at it. My prep plan was more of a guide than anything else and I wandered off it a good bit. Any time I joined Weight Watchers at a friend’s prodding I tracked about 3 days and was done with it. I’ve tracked in Sparkpeople here and there, same with paper journals and spreadsheets - for a few days at a time anyway.

Now don’t be confused with this being a dislike of my meal plan. My meal plan rocks. There is nothing nasty on it like fish. I have plenty of food to combine in the prescribed amounts. Not complicated at all. But I still revolt. Sometimes I make unhealthy choices, sometimes I eat bigger portions, I’m usually force feeding myself in the morning because we all know the only thing that should pass my lips before 1pm is coffee.

I fight structure in this area of my life – both diet and exercise. Maybe it is because it is the only area I have ever “winged it”. However doing what I always did doesn’t seem to be working for me right now (see paragraph 2), I no longer seem to follow the theory of "compensation" that was ingrained in me my whole life (see Why French Women Don't Get Fat for an explanation - some people need the book, I had my French Grandma). But a real plan isn't working for me either.

Now what??

It’s too hot to get out of bed……

Alternate title: Now I know what is meant by the lazy days of summer.

And really, it is TOO HOT to get out of bed. So I don’t. I’ve been oversleeping a lot these days. Like every day. There doesn’t seem to be much of a point in getting out of bed because I will just get annoyed within 5 minutes- as soon as I go downstairs, open the door to put Olie out and the feel the top 5 layers of skin get seared off my face from the heat but the real fun comes later when I actually have to go outside into the rainforest dropped in the middle of a swamp located in Hell So really, why bother?

Oh yea, that work thing. Messes up my plan of staying in bed all day every time. So out into the heat I go. And I get annoyed. And cranky. And by the time I leave work I just want to go home, sit on my couch under the AC vent and ceiling fan drinking gallons of ice water while doing nothing. I also do not care what the thermostat on the wall at the gym says – it is NOT 73 degrees in the gym. It is much closer to 103. This too is a problem because the last thing I want to do when hot and cranky is go to the gym and get hotter – before I even start working out! So I don’t. I go sit on the couch with the AC, some ice and my bullies. Then I don’t get back up. 24 hour gyms are only awesome when you use them – working out at midnight would be a lot cooler but that missing motivation? Yep, still missing!

My motivation is definitely located someplace where it is not 101 degrees outside…… at 7am!